We need to talk about Groundhog Day
We need to talk about Groundhog Day Aka your daily agony. The agony of having your best life out of reach. The need to constantly grasp for something better, and feeling like you’re forever falling short. Short of the best body. The best job. The best lover. The best life. You see it (of course you see it), you’re stuck in an exhausting, relentless cycle. You may think that you’re the only one stuck in this cycle- but you'd be 100% wrong. Let’s assume it’s Monday morning right now- Sunday evening was marked with a mixture of dread for the coming week, and gusto. Last night you were certain that this week would be different. It would be perfect. You were expecting to roll out of bed at 5am and go for that ever-elusive run. You’d mentally prepared the smoothie you were going to sip gracefully as you gazed out the window meditatively. You were certainly going to have plenty of time to shower and wash your hair AND apply make up. Flawless with a capital F. You had so much hope, you were so certain that this… this was the week! The turning point that would surely mean you’d finally have your mojo back. The cycle would be broken. You’d feel free! Your fat would melt off! People would comment on your glow! Your confidence! Your lipstick! But. 5am had hit you like a sack of rocks this morning. And despite your very best intentions, you blindly hit snooze on your screeching phone and skipped the run. And the smoothie. And the lipstick. So now, frustrated and mentally berating yourself for stuffing up your #flawless day you find yourself clutching a coffee + muffin combo at your desk and flicking lazily through instagram at your #fitspo heavy feed. The anger that you feel for yourself for effing it all up so badly is matched only by your minds relentless chatter- It’s planning your return to perfection; of what you could possibly do to make up for your mistakes. The scheming brings relief, as you promise yourself that all will be well, if you could just stick to the plan… “I’ll go to the gym tonight” “I’ll skip lunch!”. “I’ll go for a walk on my break!” “I’ll get up early tomorrow!” You flick through your perfect instagram feed some more; Comparing yourself to ever bronzed, fit figure. Scoffing at your own outfit as you pore over effortless-yet-oh-so-glamourous outfits. You glance at your reflection in the bathroom and note your flaws with vigour. Embarrassed and ashamed of yourself, the self-talk only worsens as the day goes on, and by 5pm you feel downright miserable. All thoughts of a gym visit or a pulling together a salad for dinner have disappeared- all you want right now is comfort. You imagine your favourite food and decide that it’s been a rough Monday, and that you most certainly deserve a little treat. So, you push back thoughts of your #flawless week and do your best to allow dinner and Netflix to numb you. You soothe your frazzled mind with food. You barely glance in the mirror as you ready yourself for bed. But as you lay there restless and trying to sleep, your mind is again relentless with thoughts of hatred, of anger, of regret. This is the cycle. The one that you can’t seem to break. You fail to meet your own expectations. You get angry at yourself. You punish yourself with ugly thoughts. You soothe yourself. Which again, is against your expectation. So you’re angry. Then you punish yourself. And soothe yourself. Angry. Punish. Soothe. Angry. Punish. Soothe. No matter the day, the time or how well you seem to be doing. It always comes back to this. It’s like a mental cancer, for which you can’t seem to find the cure. Your relentless quest for perfection is killing your spirit. Your confidence. You. In essence, it comes down to this; “If I was perfect- I’d be deserving of love. I’d have more friends. More sex. I’d feel better. Like I mean something. Like I matter.” And that’s why it’s a cycle. That’s why our insecurities seem inescapable- why they shift and slither, sticking with us no matter what size we are, or how perfect our hair looks. It is not a crime to want to look and feel amazing. But the way we’ve been to taught to handle self-improvement, and therein what it means to be a healthy woman in this world… Many of these ideas are toxic. And those ideas. Those nasty, niggly beliefs. Are the first things we should try to shed. If I just described you. If you've been nodding along thinking: this is exactly what I do!
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